I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
