I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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