why didn't you poke me back
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize