I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
