areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
