i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
