I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
