Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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