Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
