I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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