he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
