I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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