He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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