I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
