there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
