It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
