The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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