Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
