Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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