i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
