My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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