come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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