And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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