She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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