Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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