drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
