Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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