Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
