Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Randomize
