I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize