I smell stomach acid.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
There are leaves in my underwear?
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