He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
