Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
