Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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