yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
