Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
