alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
