She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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