So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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