i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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