she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
