i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
