So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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