Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
