I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
