at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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