Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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