I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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