Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
