So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
