do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
