R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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