please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
