i would punch a child for taco bell
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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