I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
