Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize