when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize