i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
