Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
