I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
