A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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