I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize