I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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