she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
