I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
